Humor



	HUMOR TEEING UP Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot. At that moment a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His golfing partner looked at him and said, "Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead." Mike replied, "Yes, we would have been married twenty-six years come tomorrow." ------------------------------------------ Wonder if this one's true... Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40M in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. $ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. $ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. $ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. $ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. $ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. $ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. $ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. $ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. $ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9,500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. $ If you were given a penny for every $10 he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. $ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. $ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5,600. $ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all US past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However... if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. ------------------------------------------ One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" Her: "No way. It's just too risky!" Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?" Her: "No, no. I just can't" Him: "I beg you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for God sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..." ------------------------------------------ I'm passing this along to you as I consider you a valued friend. This has worked for me and I think it may work for you as well. I have found Inner Peace. Recently, I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to 'Finish Things You Have Started.' So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates, and I slapped the living crap out of someone I never liked anyway. I feel better than I have felt for a long time. Please pass this along to a friend who is in need of Inner Peace. ------------------------------------------ What Do... WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? Dam. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE? Polaroids. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK? A stick. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? Nacho cheese. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? Subordinate Clauses. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? Quattro sinko. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW? Spoiled milk. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE? Frostbite. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES? A nervous wreck. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS? Right where you left him. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP? Anyone can roast beef. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS? Because they have big fingers. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? Sanka. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN? Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER? A bad golfer goes whack, dmn. A bad sky diver goes dmn, whack. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT? Unique up on it. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT? Tame way, unique up on it. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS? Skeet. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP? An Amish drive-by-shooting. HOW ARE TEXAS TORNADOS AND TENNESSEE DIVORCES THE SAME? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer! ----------------------------------------------------- This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. Read to the end. This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of tequila, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar. One says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, that's dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain." ------------------------------------------ Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light on reasons why. Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people. Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal. Professional Golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play. The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost round $300 or more. In golf, you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. In their prime, Jack Nicklaus, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your and and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore -shirts that read "Leave Me Alone." You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball. Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood. This is a slice of golf history I thought you might enjoy. I never knew why there were 18 holes before this. Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen? How many of you golfers know the answer to this one? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. Now you know. ------------------------------------------ The Horror of Blimps by Scylla Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp. I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal! Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together. Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter. We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries. Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling. It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter. My three-year-old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly. Let's face it, blimps are fun. Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous. At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises. The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully. Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed. In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again. I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you. That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time. I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness. Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep. So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual. On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!! Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster. I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark. When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation. Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like) and leapt out of bed in my underwear. I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living shit out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces. It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity. Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.) Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack. On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had. Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident. I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep. At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached. The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her. This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am. I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will. Some blimps are better off dead. ------------------------------------------ How to Sing The Blues 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weighs 500 pounds." 4. Blues is not a matter of color, it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues. 5. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out. 6. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 7. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 8. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that doesn't get rain. 9. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg because you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it, is. 10. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 11. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jail house c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places for the Blues: a. Bloomingdales b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses 12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it. 13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund 14. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast e. Starbuck's Frappuccinos 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction. 16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling 17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie 18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") 20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. (unless, of course it's a PC and you're using Windows 2000). ----------------------------------------------------- The Wit and Wisdom of Burma-Shave DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma-Shave DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma-Shave BROTHER SPEEDERS LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING NURSE Burma-Shave CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND LOTS MORE STEER Burma-Shave THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma-Shave SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma-Shave AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY--SPLIT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma-Shave PASSING CARS WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE OF ETERNITY Burma-Shave NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma-Shave A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma-Shave AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY Burma-Shave BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma-Shave THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma-Shave ----------------------------------------------------- Little Known Facts 1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 2. Coca-Cola was originally green. 3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US treasury. [This may no longer be the case.] 4. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. 5. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska 6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% 7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% 8. The cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of eleven: $6400.00 9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. 12. The youngest pope was 11 years old. 13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer 14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs - Alexander the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar 16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. 18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. 19. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 20. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. 21. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All Stars Games. 22. The nursery rhyme "Ring around the Rosy" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very bad, so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously) so that they would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."). People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!") 23) In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase goodnight, sleep tight". 25) It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the "honeymoon". 26) In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's". 27) Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a fill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. 28) In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.... (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from. 29) In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by WOMEN! Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey Q: There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day Q: What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. Q: What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet. ----------------------------------------------------- The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: Coffee (n.), a person coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners: BOZONE (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately, shows little signs of breaking down in the near future. INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. CASHTRATION (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness. OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit) KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending of these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. DECAFALON (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only the things that are good for you. DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. CATERPALLOR (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you are eating. And the pick of the bunch: IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. ----------------------------------------------------- A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!" ----------------------------------------------------- An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you listen to everyone and try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye. ----------------------------------------------------- Here are some bloopers Collected by Prof. Gyles Brandrith in the University of Cambridge England that always took my fancy. - A Fjord is a Swedish automobile. - Robinson Crusoe was a great operatic singer. - Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had a abbess on his knee. - Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation. - The Pope lives in a Vacuum. - The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. - A hostage is a nice lady on an airplane. - An optimist looks after your eyes and a pessimist looks after your feet. - Fidel Castro invented Castro Oil. - Psychology is a fairly modern disease discovered by a man called Floyd. -The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women only more horrible. - A blizzard is the inside of a chicken. - A convoy is a collection of some birds like cartridges. - Herrings go about the sea in shawls. - The future tense of "I Give" is "You Take". - Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter. - Water is composed of oxygen and hydrogen. Oxygen is pure but hydrogen is gin and water. - A good cosmetic is salt and water. Cosmetics make you sick. a.. "The child is father to the man" This was written by Shakespeare. He didn't often make that kind of mistake. - Marshall Goering was a fat man because he was one of Hitler's stoutest supporters. - Washington was a great general who always began a battle with the fixed determination to win or lose. - Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. - Income is a yearly tax. - Pasteur found a cure for rabbis. - Having only one wife is called monotony. - Today every Tom, Dick or Harry is named Bill. - Kosher is Jewish pork. - A virgin forest is a place where the hand of Man has never set foot. -When a man has more than one wife he is called a pigamist. ----------------------------------------------------- One day Father Boudreaux and Pastor Thibodeaux wuz fishin on the side of the road. Dey thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near, Cher! Turn yurself 'round now before it's too late!" They showed it to each passing car. Well dis one car dat passed didn't appreciate the sign and wus shouting at dem and hollerin, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" Den all of a sudden dey heard a big splash and dey looked at each other and Father Boudreaux said...."Ya think we shoulda just put a sign dat says 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?" ----------------------------------------------------- Dyslexics have more fnu Clones are people, two Entropy isn't what it used to be Microbiology Lab Staph Only! Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses Eschew obfuscation 186,000 miles/sec (300,000 km/sec): Not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor Atheism is a non-prophet organization Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Editing is a rewording activity Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure My reality check just bounced Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art What if there were no hypothetical questions? Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway ----------------------------------------------------- This one's a tear jerker... When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember well, the polished old case fastened to the wall and the shiny receiver on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother would talk to it. Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person and her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. "Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the correct time. My first personal experience with this genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with hammer. The pain was terrible but, there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give me sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway, the telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information Please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information." "I hurt my finger!" I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience. "Isn't your mother home?" came the question. "Nobody's home but me," I blubbered. "Are you bleeding?" the voice asked. "No," I replied. "I hit my finger with a hammer and it hurts." "Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could. "Then chip off a piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice. After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me that my pet chipmunk, which I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts. Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called "Information Please" and told her the sad story. She listened, then said the usual thing grown ups say to soothe a child. But, I was inconsolable. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, you must remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow, I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please". "Information," said the now familiar voice. "How do you spell 'fix'?' I asked. All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and somehow I never thought of trying the tall, new shiny phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy. A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half-an-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then, without thinking about what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, Information Please." Miraculously, I heard the small clear voice I knew so well. "Information." I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell 'fix'?" There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must be healed by now." I laughed, "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?" "I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister. "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally." Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" she said. "Yes, a very old friend," I answered. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part time in the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Are you Paul?" "Yes". "Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean." I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you make on others. Whose life have you touched today? ------------------------------------------ BOUDREAUX CRUISE LINES : Boudreaux walked out to the dock, only to find a beautiful blonde woman, standing there, crying. He said, "Mais cher, what's wrong?" She said, "I don't have anything to live for. I'm gonna throw myself into the water and kill myself." Boudreaux said, "Oh, don' do dat. You're a beautiful woman and you have plenty to live for. Tell you what. I'm gettin' ready to get on dis boat and go to Europe. I'll sneak you on and will take care of you and we can be happy together." So, Boudreaux snuck his stowaway on board, and hid her in a lifeboat. For weeks, every day he would take her 3 square meals, making sure she was taken care of, and every night he would slip into the lifeboat with her and they would make mad passionate love. One day, the Captain discovered the woman, and asked her what she was doing there. She answered, "One of your crew members, a wonderful man, has been taking care of me, feeding me and making love to me. And he's taking me to Europe with him on this boat. The Captain replied, "Cher, I'm sorry to tell you, but this is the Chalmette ferry." ------------------------------------------ 20 Ways to Be a Good Democrat 1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding. 2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. 3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists. 4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding. 5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate [that are happening on other planets in our galaxy] , and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs. 6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural. 7. You have to be against capital punishment but support the right to have an abortion on demand. 8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity. 9. You have to believe that sport hunters don't care about nature, but that loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do. 10. You have to believe that self-esteem in and of itself is more important than actually doing something to earn it. 11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. 12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. 13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high. 14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinhem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison. 15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. 16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady. 17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge. 18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail but a liar and sex offender (and who knows what else) belongs in the White House. [Dated material.] 19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens, transvestites and other entities should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas time should be illegal. 20. You have to believe that sharing atomic defense secrets with communist China is somehow in the best interest of the United States. ------------------------------------------ http://www.darwinawards.com/ ------------------------------------------ Top Ten List Here are top ten comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back: 1. Weight lifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Georgiana from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back." 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious." 6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race, 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew." 9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?" ------------------------------------------ Wal-Mart Wine Soon Wal-Mart customers will be able to sample Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2.00 - $5.00 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said, "The right name is important." So, here we go, "The top suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:" 13. Chateau Traileur Parc 12. White Trashfindel 11. Big Red Gulp 10. Grape Expectations 9. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays" 8. NASCARbernet 7. Chef Boyardeaux 6. Peanut Noir 5. Chateau des Moines 4. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 3. World Championship Riesling 2. Sams Shiraz And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine ... 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with both white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel). Tastefully yours, Wayne (pronounced Wine) ------------------------------------------ Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older & going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling & uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was & generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another & I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped & got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise & satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people... Signed, A relieved menopausal wife ------------------------------------------ (True story) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. ------------------------------------------ Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR. Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION. On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO. One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. In a cemetery PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM. Hotel brochure, Italy: THiS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE. Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION. Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS. Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT. ----------------------------------------------------- Baptist Dog* A Baptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in Baptist dogs, they found one they liked a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did so in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with incredible dexterity. Impressed, they purchased the animal and went home. That night, they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his skills that they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog could do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought of normal dog tricks. "Well," they said, "let's try it out." Once more they called the dog in and they clearly pronounced the command, "heel." Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in prayer, and bowed his head ... It was then that the couple realized they'd been deceived and defrauded. Obviously, the dog was Pentecostal. ---------------------------------------- Where do pets come from? A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a sht one way or the other. ---------------------------------------- Buddhist Jewish Sayings* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking? Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish? Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes ---------------------------------------- Man's best friend - Dogs "The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney "We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the Best deal man has ever made." - M. Facklam "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein "I aspire to be as wonderful as my dog thinks I am." ---------------------------------------- Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist and When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN? Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day. Send this to all the men just to annoy them ---------------------------------------- One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" " It was great, Dad." "Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked. "Oh yeah," said the son. "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father. The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them." The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are." ---------------------------------------- This just in from Texas.... A scientist from Texas University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the sht kicked out of him. ---------------------------------------- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..... Atheism is a non-prophet organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. What if there were no hypothetical questions? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me) How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? What was the best thing before sliced bread? One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented? Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? ---------------------------------------- ENGLISH* The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the e object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"? NO SPEAKA DA ENGLIS A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time". "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine!!!!", retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........!!!!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!! ---------------------------------------- A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?" "Doesn't matter," replied the professor. "You must realize that the subject is economics. The answers are different each year!" ---------------------------------------- The Rooster Crows at Midnight... BJ the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys BJ. The farmer takes BJ home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said. BJ seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and BJ took off like a shot. WHAM!- BJ nails every hen in the henhouse---three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, BJ is in there. Later, the farmer sees BJ after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees BJ out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find BJ on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, BJ, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." BJ opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer" ---------------------------------------- Baptizing a drunk A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus? The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in? ---------------------------------------- Ship High In Transit In the 16th and 17th centuries, before commercial fertilizer was invented, large shipments of manure were transported by ship. It was shipped in dry bundles, because in dry form, it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water hit it at sea, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began, a by-product of which is methane gas. It didn't take long for methane to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before somebody figured out what was happening. Once they determined the role that manure played in the explosions, everybody began stamping the bundles with the term "Ship High In Transit," so that the sailors would know to stow it high enough off the lower decks, so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T.," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. ---------------------------------------- FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF): -- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. -- A backward poet writes inverse. -- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. -- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. -- Practice safe eating - always use condiments. -- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. -- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. -- A hangover is the wrath of grapes. -- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. -- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? -- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. -- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. -- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. -- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. -- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) -- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. -- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. -- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. -- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. -- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. -- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. -- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. -- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. -- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. -- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. -- Every calendar's days are numbered. -- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. -- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. -- He had a photographic memory that was never developed. -- A plateau is a high form of flattery. -- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. -- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. -- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. -- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. -- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. -- Acupuncture is a jab well done ---------------------------------------- Jewish Holidays As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out. The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays Rosh Hashanah -- Feast Tzom Gedalia -- Fast Yom Kippur -- More fasting Sukkot -- Feast Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself. Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes Tu B'Shevat -- Feast Fast of Esther -- Fast Purim -- Eat pastry Passover -- Do not eat pastry Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.) 17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes) Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes) Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again There are many forms of Judaism: Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew. Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods. Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes. Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast . Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. You know you grew up Jewish when: You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical. You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket". You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven. You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce. You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green. You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it. You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra. You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor. You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes. You thought that speaking loud was normal. ---------------------------------------- The late, great Henny Youngman, on growing up in a Jewish household: The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes." Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A : They never let anyone finish a sentence. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A : Facing Bloomingdales. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis." A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful.. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A : (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a bother. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days. "Force yourself," she replied. ---------------------------------------- Hello ----- Is anyone listening? If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service dept. then you will really appreciate this. My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge... The balance had been $0.00...now was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to CitiBank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..." CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?" Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?" CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... ) CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. ) CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..." Me: "Oh..." CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..." Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...." CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?" CitiBank: "That might help." Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. ) CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!" ---------------------------------------- Dark In Here A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sht again" ---------------------------------------- History Exam* (Don't peek at the answers 'till you try it. Keep your score.) In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps! What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II? a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey" a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit? a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires Who left his heart in San Francisco? a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin ANSWERS b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron? c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top. a) Blackjack Gum. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil. a) 1946 Studebaker. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight! c) Macaroni. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today. SCORING 17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER! 12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy. 0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime! ---------------------------------------- Show and Tell The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,! "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking." ---------------------------------------- A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years and I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for a good man." The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that fcking map again." ---------------------------------------- The Limo Ride After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!" ---------------------------------------- SHOPPING MATH* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ---------------------------------------- Taxes Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax Capital Gains Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Court Fines - (indirect taxes) Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax - (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel permit tax Gasoline Tax - (42 cents per gallon) Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Interest expense - (tax on the money) Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges - (tax on top of tax) IRS Penalties - (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Local Income Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Septic Permit Tax Service Charge Taxes Social Security Tax Road Usage Taxes - (Truckers) Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax Road Toll Booth Taxes School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax - (SUTA) Telephone federal excise tax Telephone federal universal service fee tax Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax Telephone State and local tax Telephone usage charge tax Toll Bridge Taxes Toll Tunnel Taxes Traffic Fines - (indirect taxation) Trailer registration tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax And more I'm sure! Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What the hell happened? ---------------------------------------- 24 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favourite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you.......... and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ass. ---------------------------------------- Clear Day Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative. Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, a sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan ---------------------------------------- DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS ---------------------------------------- CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... PARANOID: Santa Clause is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm gonna Cry, I'm gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why... BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire... OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, jingle bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle bell rock....oops..... ...........(better start again)........... ---------------------------------------- California Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, & Texan jokes... But... You know you're in California when... Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. You can't remember...is pot illegal? You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. You can't remember...is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. You can't remember...is pot illegal? It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2005." You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal???? Both you AND your dog have therapists. The Terminator is your governor. ---------------------------------------- Do you know what happened this week back in 1850? California became a state. The state had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California today only the women had real tits. ---------------------------------------- Why did the chicken cross the road? GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. AL GORE I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people. RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross. MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how It experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. VOLTAIRE I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. RONALD REAGAN What chicken? CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? L.A. POLICE DEPT. Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. RICHARD M. NIXON The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I do not know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS I missed one ---------------------------------------- Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix as a class exercise: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted): THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17 he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent. (Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of fcking TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." (Rebecca) Asshole. (Gary) Bitch. (Rebecca) Get screwed. (Gary) Eat shit. (Rebecca) SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! (Gary) GO DRINK SOME TEA - WHORE. (TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A ---------------------------------------- ABBOT & COSTELLO* ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOT: Yes COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W" COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers! OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOT: Real One. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them? ABBOT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great, with what? ABBOT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOT: You click the blue "1" COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue w is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? ABBOT: Money COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOT: One copy COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOT: Why not, they own it ---------------------------------------- Philosophy of Sex "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin William ---------------------------------------- Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK ---------------------------------------- Bush/Cheney 2004 Campaign slogans Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars Bush/Cheney '04: Leave No Billionaire Behind Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just Isn't Good Enough Bush/Cheney '04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "Con" in Conservative Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for Not Paying Attention. Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us! George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There George W. Bush: A Brainwave Away from the Presidency Don't think. Vote Bush! The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years UNPRESIDENTED! Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think What popular vote? More Trees, Less Bush My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President Disney gave us Mickey, Florida's giving us Dumbo DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE... LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant. Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting. Now do you understand the importance of user-testing? I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES Banana Republicans George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had One Person, One Vote (May Not Apply in Certain States) Bring Back Monica Lewinsky Mission accomplished my ass! Not every problem has an American solution. Somewhere in Texas...a village is missing its idiot. "Yee-Ha" is not a Foreign Policy. John Kerry...bringing complete sentences back to the White House. Let's Kerry Bush out! Save The Environment - Plant a Bush back in Texas Fire the Liar! Vote Democrat 2004 Redneck Democrat Anyone But Bush! - Vote Democrat 2004 11/02/04...the end of an error. When in doubt...start a war. Left has never been so right. Bush & Cheney - Ready...Aim...FIRE THEM! ---------------------------------------- Politically Correct* WOMEN: She is not a BABE or a CHICK -- she is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER -- she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY -- she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT -- she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB -- she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She has not BEEN AROUND -- she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED -- she causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY -- she is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She is not an AIRHEAD -- she is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY -- she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY -- she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -- she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She is not a SLUT -- she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -- she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE -- she is a LOW COST PROVIDER. She does not NAG YOU -- she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. MEN: He does not have a BEER GUT -- he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME -- he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING -- he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER -- he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -- he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS -- he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. He is not a SEX MACHINE -- he is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG -- he has SWINE EMPATHY. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT -- he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES -- he has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT. He is not a BAD DANCER -- he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. ---------------------------------------- I'm not rich, but I've left my cat fixed for life. Dean Blehert ---------------------------------------- Two Cows - Voting Guide DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow. CALIFORNIAN You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. It's lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault ---------------------------------------- Ordering a Pizza in 2008 Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?" Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order." Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54 610." Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir." Customer: "The HSS, what is that?" Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time" Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion" Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then." Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also." Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday" Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on September 20 for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge." "And, oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society? Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!" ---------------------------------------- Best Singles Ad Ever Written This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal. SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting... Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy) ---------------------------------------- Tickle Me Elmo There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toy; it laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new less than intelligent (fill in your own category here) employee is hired at the factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m. The next day at 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new worker surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry" he says to her barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." ---------------------------------------- Rooney-isms Andy Rooney on Monica. Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians. Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter." Andy Rooney on Prisoners. Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners. My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes. Andy Rooney on morning differences. Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls. You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know," It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood." Andy Rooney on Cripes My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake,' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? Andy Rooney on Grandma My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Andy Rooney on answering machines. Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.." ---------------------------------------- That's all for now, Folks. Check back in a couple of months for updated material!